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My sexuality has warped to a point that I can no longer enjoy my own orgasms. The feeling fills me with dread. It's as if when I cum I'm losing something very important, something i worked so hard for. The longest I managed to keep masturbating without going over the edge was 2 months. On and off obviously, not beating it 24/7. I should have just locked myself in chastity at the end of that period when it has gotten more and more difficult to control the edge.
It seems right now to me that this is my ultimate destiny. To be forever horny, forever aroused. It's the only thing that gives me a sense of purpose. Nothing seems to make sense outside of it.
My obsession with femininity might have very well started because of porn and for a long time that made me feel like, well, like I'm not a real transexual. It's all just a disease, not and identity, I'm just wasting my life. But who the fuck is to say that what's a real indentity and what isn't? Wearing feminine clothes makes me feel good and right. Seeing my body change slowly into a more feminine one fills me with confidence. I enjoy the passive side of sex, and only the passive at this point. I'm not some university transexual/feminist activist, who gets confidence in his identity through some gender theory nonsense. Rather, I'm a pornosexual fucking bimbo, that is my identity, and I like it very much, and I need to start proper E, and get rid of all the remnant masuculine traits that I can get rid off, and live this life full time.
