sometimes i wonder why relationships with previous girls haven't worked out.

was it me? was it her? was it the timing or where i was at mentally? why does it even bother me? why do i let it stop me from falling in love?

i've had good experiences and bad ones. i've hung around gay people just to test the waters and allowed myself into certain situations which i knew would leave me vulnerable. i felt i grew from these experiences but actually, it's made me feel empty. i've dated students, a nurse, a stripper, a medical doctor, a girl that was allergic to condoms, girls online n i've been in drunk and sober threeways.

these people have been in my life intimately and know me in ways that no one else does but, now, when i look at it - as i approach my mid 20s, i look at these past relationships with an ounce of sadness n disgust in myself. i recall a violent relationship, a deep relationship and the last one, my first love.

will the next girl i date feel special? will i think that we've got something special going on? has my past relationships n companions made it impossible for me to feel again? has the things i've done affected my morals and beliefs? i once had limits. now, i just look at people like they're emotions that can either make me happy or sad. they're not people anymore. they're just objects to use.

maybe it's safe to say that no future intimate relationship will ever happen. not a happy one with me.

end of the text.

I confess that when I look at porn I get out of control. It becomes my drive and I get so caught up in it that I can't think of anything else. I have been "using" porn for 18 years since I got my
first computer, and It's taken a long time, but It's finally controlling my life. It also cost me my marriage. I've gotten into gay, tranny, and satanic porn and it's made me bisexual. It just gets more and more perverted... not that there's anything wrong with perversion as long as it's not controlling you.

Last night I hooked up with a guy from Craigslist, went over to his house, and sucked his dick for an hour until he came im my mouth (I spit it out... cum tastes like shit). This was my 4th time hooking up with a guy on craigslist since last summer.

I learned when I told my (now) ex wife about my problem that you just keep some things to yourself. (or spill your guts anonymously via Motherless...Thanks Motherless!)

When I was 18 I ventured to the seedy section of Boston called the Combat Zone. I heard all the sordid stories of prostitutes and strippers as well as the crime and how rough it was. I was curious to what really went on down there so one night I skipped out on my friends and headed into Boston to check it out. I was 5'11 long blonde hair and weighed 135lbs. I had on jeans and a t-shirt and definitely peeked the interest of a few men as I walked down the street. I was new to sex with girls and had never had sex with a guy. I knew I wasn't gay or anything like that. I walked by a few strip bars and some adult book stores and came to one that looked interesting. I didn't see anyone in the store so I went in.

As I walked in I was stopped at the counter by the clerk who asked me for my ID. I gave him my drivers license and he laughed and said sure kid have fun. I was very young looking. I was 18 but I looked closer to 14 or 15. I walked up and down the aisles looking at the huge collection of porn magazines and sex toys. When I came to the back of the store I saw another section called Peep Booths. I asked the guy who was sitting at the desk what it was. He asked if I had ever been to a peep show before. I told him no I hadn't he said well its a bunch of booths inside where a person can go and watch some porn videos. I asked how much it was and he said $3 minimum. I gave him a $5 dollar bill and he gave me my tokens. He said go inside and find a booth and enjoy. I took my tokens and walked inside. It was so dark I could hardly see my own hand in front of me. As I walked along I felt hands grabbing my cock and ass. I kept moving not stopping. I walked up and down through this maze of booths and came to one that I thought I would try. I went inside and locked the door behind me and put a token in the machine and the video started playing. As the video played I could see in the booth and noticed a hole on one side of the booth. I looked down and saw a man in the other booth obviously jerking off. I sat up on the chair and watched my video. When the time expired I put another token in.
I then heard a knock on the door and a man said open the door please. I thought it was the man from upfront but when I unlocked the door a black guy pushed his way inside and told me to be quiet. I was very scared. He asked why I was there and I said I was just watching a video. He asked me if I sucked cock and I told him no I was straight. He laughed and said that doesn't mean anything. Lots of straight guys suck dick. I then noticed that he had his cock out. It was very big. Much bigger than my 5.5 inch cock. He told me to suck his cock. I told him I didn't want to. That's when he took out a bottle and said here sniff this it will make you feel better. I didn't know what they were. I asked and he said they were called poppers. I took a sniff and all of a sudden I felt so lightheaded like I was high. I had no control and I went to me knees. The guy then took my head and shoved his cock into my mouth. Suck it he said. I didn't know what to do my head was spinning. I began sucking his cock and I could taste his salty precum. He was holding my head shoving his black cock deep into my throat making me gag. First time my ass he said. You're a natural. I was starting to get my head straight when he stuck the bottle under my nose and told me to sniff it again. I did and it all started again. My head was spinning. I felt helpless and was doing what he told me to do. Then I heard him unlock the door. I saw out of the corner of my eye the door open and could see 2 or 3 guys standing there watching as I sucked my first cock. About 5 mins later I felt him pull my head closer and he shot his load into my mouth and told me to swallow it. I was choking and trying to swallow but it was too much. I spit some out and it landed on my shirt. He let go of my head and I sat there on the floor looking up. Then he got out and another guy got in. He took his cock out and told me to suck him. Feed him some poppers I heard a voice say and the bottle was placed at my nose for me to inhale. I knew what to do at this point and inhaled. Then opened my mouth to take this new guys cock. He was also black and very fat. I sucked his cock and he came rather quickly. Another guy came in and said he wanted my hole. I was pleading for him to not do it. But he pulled my pants down and spun me around and told me to bend over. I did and he again fed me some poppers. He said this will make it better and I felt his cock press against my virgin asshole. I wanted to scream but my head was still spinning and I felt him enter me. I couldn't believe all of this was happening to me. I felt his cock open my tight hole and slide in and out. His balls were slapping my balls as he thrust in and out. That's it baby take that dick. You like it don't you he said and I said no. Then another person held the poppers under my nose again. They were controlling me with these poppers. He fucked my ass and shot his load deep in me. When he pulled out I felt his cum run down my legs. He was then replaced by another and then another. In all I took 4 cocks up my ass and sucked off 4. They all left me there when they were done using me and I sat in the booth crying my eyes out. I was so ashamed and didn't want to leave. After about 30 mins I gathered myself up and walked out. Not making eye contact with anyone. When I got outside there were 3 or 4 guys standing outside and I walked past them. As I walked by they said good night sweet cheeks and all laughed. I felt like shit. I kept walking even when a prostitute asked me if I wanted a date. I kept that story to myself until just now. I now know this was my reason for becoming bi later in life.

I’d like to talk to someone about gay sex. Specifically receiving anal for the first time. I want to try it so bad but I’m so nervous and have a few questions. 

I confess that my first sexual encounter was with another dude. We were 12 or 13 i think. It was at a beach vacation and it started all weird. We slept in the same bed which is normal at that age. We were horsing around and I ended up touching his dick which had fallen out of his boxers. I remember it being soft. We both got all quite and he said "Do you want to" and i quickly replied in a jokingly manner "Yea if you suck my dick first" and he said ok.
He sucked on my dick for a few min, which was very nice as it was my first blow job ever. I then sucked on his dick as I assumed it was the only right thing to do. It was salty. After that he let me fuck him in his ass for a little while which actually wasn't that great as we had no idea what we were doing. He then asked to fuck me, which i said was ok because once again i assumed it was only fair. He never penetrated me though as I lied and said it was in when it wasnt. the whole thing was over pretty quickly and i remember feeling weird after.
We went on to fuck a lot more for a couple of years until we just stopped one day. I think in the end he only ever penetrated me once or twice as i usually lied and said it was in when it wasn't.
I never felt gay for doing it either, i never questioned if it was right or wrong. I have never done anything else with a guy since then either and have had nothing but girls since. We never kissed or held each other, it was always just blowjobs and fucking.
I have a few more times i remember, but not a lot, none of them were that memorable I guess. I just wanted to see if anyone else ever did this as a kid and if it ever lead to anything else or if it was just "boys being boys"

I confess I let an older guy fuck me when I was 16.

When I was around 15, I started going on chat rooms and chatting with older guys. I was not and still do not consider myself gay, but when I get really horny I get in this depraved sense of mind. I'd get horny doing something I think is otherwise disgusting. Anyway, nothing got me hornier than knowing these older guys wanted to use my ass. I loved chatting with married guys because I knew they were paranoid about keeping it a secret like me. I had a lot of depraved convos with older guys about fucking my ass and making me their slutboi. I'd cum, always feel mega jackoff remorse, close the chat, and usually block them.

At some point I built up the courage to have phone sex with some guys. I would get older guys to give me their number and call it with *67 so they couldn't call me back. Pretty much whenever I was home alone I'd hit the chatrooms and find guys to phonefuck me. I was usually pretty shy on the phone, but I loved when a guy was really verbal and would call me names, faggot, etc, while we were moaning over the phone. We'd cum together moaning in extacy and hang up right after. Despite my post cum remorse, I would always go back. At times, when my family was asleep, I'd take my phone and a jizz napkin in the shed behind the house in the middle of the night to get off like this. I get both disgusted and horny thinking about moaning "fuck me harder daddy!" to some old guy states away, in middle of the night, in my filthy shed.

So now to the fucking: One day, I start chatting with an 50 something year old married guy and I don't quite exactly remember why, but we ended up jacking off together from time to time on messenger. He lived a few counties away from me, but in the same state. I don't think we ever phonefucked, but at one point he definitely convinced me to get a webcam, and I would cam for him. We had many horny conversations about him fucking me in front of his wife, etc. I'd always cum on cam for him and feel that remorse, I never showed him my face though.

We started having conversations about how we should meet and fuck, and it was always just jerkoff fodder. We were both to paranoid to actually do it. One weekend when the family was gone for the day we had a pretty long edging session early. We both were in an extremely horny state of mind I guess, because we decided to go for it. We stopped jerking off, our balls full with cum, to save for our depraved encounter. We worked out a plan were I would take a bus to a point where he would meet me and we'd walk to a motel nearby.

The moment I walked out of my house my heart was beating like crazy, but I felt hornier than I ever have. I'd never even taken the bus before, but my horniness made me so willing to do anything. When I go off the bus I saw the him wearing the clothes he described. He wasn't ugly, buy he was certainly a man in his fifties, a bit overweight and stocky. When I walked up to him, we were both very nervous and just said things like "are you ready for this" and "I cant wait." I started getting so horny as we walked, I started getting so horny though, and started thoughing his cock through his pants. Probably not the best idea since he was 50 something and I was young, but I was horny.

When we got in the motel room, my heart was pounding and my cock was throbbing. We took off our clothes and I lay on the bed naked. Keep in mind I was a complete virgin, only had a few fingers in my ass when I cammed for him, but was horny for cock. I had my first foreplay with this guy as we humped each other for a good 30 min. My cock was leaking at this point rubbing all over this hairy guy. We 69ed until I about burst and then gave him head while my cock softened a bit. I started pushing his cock on my tight asshole and we knew it was time.

He lubed up my ass with his fingers and slowly stretched me out a bit. It hurt and almost made me cum at the same time. He worked my ass with his fingers for a bit, until I told him to try to get inside me. He worked on a condom and dumped some more lube on his cock. I lay missionary while he started working his cock inside me. It was uncomfortable at first, but wasn't long before my cock was rock hard as his saggy balls slapped my ass. We started talking dirty. We didn't even know eachothers names. He moan "you like my cock boy!" and I responded, "fuck me daddy!"

He told me he loved me and I responded I love him too. I vividly remember this and making out while he fucked me. I confess my first kiss was this horny old man I met on messenger. He asked if he could take the condom off and I said fine. I didn't really understand how dumb that was at the time, but he was married I didn't think he had a std since he told me I was his first male fuck.

When he slid in me bareback, it felt so good. We kissed as he fucked me a few more minutes and then I told him I was gonna cum. A few strokes of my cock and I blew all over my chest and face with his cock still sliding in and out of me. Needless to say, I felt immediate disgust and discomfort. My cock got soft and I got quite but he just started pounding away harder. I'm not sure he fucked me harder because he saw I was uncomfortable and in pain and was trying to finish to get it over with for me or because the pain on my face made him hornier, but he pumped until he moaned "I'm gonna breed you boy!" Then stuck his tongue down my mouth while he pumped his seed deep inside me. He collapsed on top of me, his heart beating through me.

After a min or so he slid his beating semi out of my hole and just started cleaning himself up and getting dressed. I followed and there were few words after and we didn't look at eachother. We pretty much just dressed and I walked alone to the bus stop feeling dirty.

I blocked him when I got home and we never talked again.

When I was 19 years old and in college in Florida, I got really heavy into drugs. Mainly party drugs like coke and ecstasy, and of course plenty of weed, but on occasion other drugs as well. I was out of control and living one big party life on my parent's dime while they struggled mightily to pay for me to have the opportunity they never had and go to college. Looking back I feel like a total asshole about it now as they wanted nothing more than for me to be successful and not have to struggle...sorry, I digressed.

Anyway, since I had no money and wanted to keep up my partying lifestyle and since I was always very athletic, in shape and considered "good-looking", through one of the people I met in the party scene I ended up doing some modeling to make some extra money. Pretty low rent stuff, nothing glamorous, but a couple hundred bucks a week.

This quickly evolved into the opportunity to do some "videos". It started with just masturbation videos of me lying in bed, or on a couch or in the shower jerking off. I figured I was going to do it anyway so why not get paid for it and I was getting paid $100-200 per day that I did a shoot. I could sometimes do 3 or 4 scenes in a day. The guy running the operation said he was impressed by my "re-load" ability and also that I had just the right cock for it...I'm about 8 inches, decently thick and my dick looks perfectly formed from shaft to head and can blow pretty big loads even after only a little break in between. I knew that these were primarily for gay guys to watch but I didn't care. If someone gets off from seeing me, so fucking what. I did these for a while and then he asked one day if I'd want to do some full sex movies and photo shoots and showed me some of his portfolio and all things considered the chicks looked pretty hot and we were now talking more like $300-500 per day so I jumped right at the chance.

It was a crazy scene and pretty much everything you wanted was at your fingertips. Women and drugs galore. Parties every night after shooting. We were all in the 18-22 age bracket so it was just a no responsibility show. But as quickly as I made money it went back out the door on drugs and partying. Then one night when we were partying at the main house this director used for shooting videos, him and a couple of the other "big wigs" in their operation asked me if I would be willing to do some more hardcore shit. At first I was thinking they meant bondage, s&m type stuff, but they quickly made it clear they were talking gay action. I immediately said not a chance, I was straight and no way I could do it. They pushed the matter (and a coffee table with a big pile of blow on it) and said that all the actors in their gay shoots are straight guys because that is the look they wanted in their videos, strong masculine men, not femboys. The guys just do "gay for pay" and they also said I could make up to a $1000 per shoot depending on the circumstances. At that point my eyes lit up and I think they knew they had me. I asked them more questions and they said I could be strictly a top and receive blow jobs, that I didn't have to get fucked or suck or kiss anyone if I didn't want to. I could also do bi scenes where a female actress or two would be involved. I said, what the fuck, let's give it a try.

The next week they had scheduled me in for my first scene. I was shaking like a leaf prior to which was totally not like me. In the other stuff I had already done I was totally calm and had no issues getting naked, getting hard and fucking in front of other people. It was a one on one scene with me and another guy. I was going to be swimming naked in the pool and then get out and immediately go to the lounge chair next to the pool when the "pool guy" was going to show up to service the pool and eventually me who was masturbating while watching him clean the pool. I actually was having a difficult time getting hard which was totally not the norm for me, but he came over and began blowing me for a while and soon enough I did get fully hard. I had sunglasses on and just kept my eyes closed and picturing hot women. I put on a condom and ended up fucking him in a few different positions and then to my surprise he end up blowing his load on my chest as he was riding me, then slid off my cock, dropped back down and sucked me to completion taking my load all over his face.

I said afterward that it wasn't that bad, but I didn't think I wanted to do it again...until I got my next offer and more cash. It went on like this for a while and me just doing the fucking and getting sucked. I still was primarily doing straight shoots though. Then the director came to me with a proposal for a scene. It would be me and this girl I had done some straight scenes with and we would be a "married" couple and then another guy who was coming to our house to do some repairs. But he wanted it to be a scene where me and her completely serviced this guy. We all were going to suck and fuck each other, no holds barred type stuff. I was extremely hesitant but he offered up my biggest payday yet and it was a good chunk of money for 4-5 hours of total "work". I was so far gone into the scene at that time that I agreed and said let's do this.

The day came and again I was nervous. I did all my usual prep on my "manscaping" and where I normally do everything I can to keep myself fresh down below, this time I added the step of the diet one of the other male actors recommended and his full enema routine to completely clean me out. The worst thing on a porn set when anal is involved is having a shit accident. It came time for the scene and we were in the bedroom on a king size bed where I was fucking the girl for a while then the "repair" man came in, he joined in with me "thinking" he was just going to play jointly with my wife but then he starts licking my balls and ass and pulling out my cock from the wife's pussy and sucking on it. We go through some more motions and she is sucking him then she tells me she wants to see me suck him and this is it, the moment I took a cock in my mouth. I did what I had to do and then after he fucks her it was my turn to take his cock. I was laying on my back as she sat on my face and then he started fucking my ass. Hurt like hell but I had to put up a good front. He even made a comment that got into the video about how tight my ass was. Anyway, we finished the scene after everyone had been fucked and sucked and I went out that night with some of the other people from set and we got destroyed on drugs and booze. I was fucked up beyond belief and when I got home that night I said that was it, I was done. Absolutely no more of all of it. The drugs the porn, nothing. The next day I called up the director and said to pull me from the stuff he had me scheduled for the next week. He tried to convince me and told me what a fucking amazing job I had done the day before, but I told him I had to get out. I couldn't handle the life and really was regretting all of it. I pulled the plug that day and never looked back.

So, somehow through all of this I didn't flunk out of school. I ended up completing my degree and living out a pretty mundane, boring college life and working a bullshit part-time job in one of the offices on campus answering phones and shit. Really nobody in my "normal" life had any clue about what I had done. My parents were none the wiser about anything I did partying or whatever and were proud as could be the day they saw me get my degree. I started a job with a top consulting firm and in the decade plus since, have worked hard and progressed so much in my career that I look at the "crazy" money I was making from porn and laugh at how little it is compared to now. I am engaged to a very attractive and smart girl who is an attorney and makes plenty of money herself, but also has no clue about my prior life.

I guess my biggest fear is that one day I am going to come on here and see one of my videos front and center. I know they are out there in various places on the web, but they obviously weren't under my real name and the look I had back then was very different than it is now where I am clean cut hair, have a beard, and even back then in a bunch of the scenes I had bleached blonde hair for a while and a deep Floridian tan. I guess my real name and SSN is on file with the porn company somewhere so that could somehow get out, but generally speaking I got away free and clear without any repercussions. Crazy the journey our lives take.

I'm here to make a confession and that's it. Great videos on here by the way.

When I was younger, my bro and I played with 2 of our cousins. It was a one time thing for me, but my bro kept on playing around with 1 of them for years.

Not sure how the first time happened. honestly I can't remember it at all. Me and my bro eventually started playing with each other.

This continued for years. Then one day he told his therapist. Then they notified my parents. It's the one topic we never discuss. Me and my bro talk and my parents don't treat us differently at all.
Shit's fuckin weird ay?

Anyways, full of regret. I'm not gay - I don't watch gay porn, never have in my life. I watch straight porn, sometimes lesbian, and only fool around with girls. My bro is the one dude I did stuff with and it's disgusting.

A about a week or so ago me and my girlfriend did something I never thought about.We have got into toys and had a great time but she ordered a strap-on and told me she wanted to use it on me.At first I was reluctant though she loves blowing me as she fingers my ass,yea we a couple of freaks,lol. so I said ok. She puts this thing on and it is bigger than my own cock a good 9 inches long and thick we start messing around kissing foreplay while the whole time she has it on I was eating her sweet pussy and she was stroking he new cock,she was really getting into it. When I set up she say it is my turn she sucked me liked there was no tomorrow licking sucking my cock and balls until I thought I was going to explode. Then she started on my asshole tonging me and using her fingers I was in sexual bliss. When I saw her grab the lube and knew it was coming,she pulled me to the edge of the bed and put my legs on her shoulders. She went slow and first it hurt like hell but after I relaxed it felt pretty fucking good. It was odd for the role reversal having her in complete control of me but it felt good and a major turn on. I was hard as a brick she was bye now all the way long stroking me as she toyed with my cock.She was talking to me,asking me how I liked it the only thing I could do or say yes dont stop.It did not take long for me to blow my load it was the largest most powerful orgasm I have ever had in my life.She seemed to come from just doing me.After words she told me she been reading off this sight and found it a major turn on and just to try it. We have sex about 3 to 4 times a week and at least one of them is her fucking me.My thing is I am not gay but really starting to enjoy be fucked by my girl with a strap on does this mean I have gayish thoughts or am I just a freak.

Looking for first time gay experience Oxfordshire based 

Just had my first gay sex - with a cute 20 yo boy - I am a hairy 42 yo man. We met through an ad on craigslist.

We met at a Starbucks and chatted for a while and then I took him to my place, we started making out in the car. We got to my building and we made out in the elevator and by the time we got inside my apartment I had a major erection - and I could feel he did too.

I pulled him into the bedroom and pulled his pants down and knelt in front of him and started kissing his cock and then took it into my mouth. I did not take it far in at first, run my lips back and forth over his head, i could hear him moan. I looked up at him and said "baby will you do something for me?" and he said "yes" and I said "please cum in my mouth".

I tried taking more of his cock into my mouth - that needs more practice but I am sure I will get it. But I must have been doing something right cause his cock kept getting even harder and then he came in my mouth. I stood up and kissed him that was so hot.

We got each other's clothes off and he laid on his back and had me straddle his chest and asked me to fuck his mouth and I did omg that was so amazing it did not take long for me to cum and then we kissed again i loved that.

Then we made out for a while until we both got hard again and we got into a 69 and that was awesome we came again and then we cuddled and he fell asleep. He is asleep in my bed now omg he is so cute I can see myself falling in love with him. I hope this is not a one-off thing with him.

I think i will go and see what happens if i start sucking his cock.