Red Flags and Dating Tips for Kinky People

“Red flag” is a term to describe a personal trait or behavior that is common in people who are harmful to their partners. When getting to know someone online it is very important that you look for these red flags. When you see these red flags slow down or stop the relationship. Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Dominants and submissives.

These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship. If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please visit NLA’s Domestic Violence Project web page at: http://nlaidvproject.us/

Red Flags:
• Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community
• Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
• Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
• Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
• Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
• Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
• Consistently breaks promises. Always finds excuses for not meeting.
• Always puts blame on others for things going wrong. Does not take personal responsibility.
• Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
• Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
• Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
• Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
• Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
• Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a “True” sub.
• Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.
• Puts you down in front of other people.
• Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
• Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
• Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
• Lies or withholds information.
• Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like. Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas. Blames you for your hurt feelings.
• Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
• Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
• Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
• Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
• Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
• Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing. Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
• Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
• Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
• Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
• Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
• Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

Safe Dating and Correspondence Tips

Before meeting:
• Do not give out personal information to strangers right away. This includes your name, phone number, address, place of work or email addresses you use for other purposes. Set up an email address that you use only for BDSM. There will be a time when you will share your information so they can be safe too. However they do not need the information until preparing for the first meeting.
• Do not send money to your online interest. There are online users that earn a living by faking love and pretending to run into hard times.
• When you do make telephone calls, make sure your phone blocks caller ID or call from a public phone. Do not call collect. Your number will appear on their bill.
• Exchange multiple recent nonsexual photographs to avoid embarrassment and hurt feelings.
• Get a background check before meeting. There are several services that will do this through the Internet.
• Make it clear you are not going to engage in any BDSM activity on the first date.

During the meeting:
• Meet in public places, preferably with a friend. Do not let your date pressure you into going somewhere else even if the date is going fine.
• Try to make your first date a daytime event.
• Drive yourself to and from the meeting place. Relying on them for transportation can put you in an unsafe position.
• Establish a safety net complete with safe calls and details on your date. Tell your safety net your date’s information, where you will be going and what to do in case you do not make your safe calls. Make sure your date knows you have a safety net set up. It is a great deterrent.
• Bring along a cell phone on your date and do not become separated from it.
• Do not drink alcohol on your date or leave your drink unattended.
• Never engage in bondage during your initial BDSM session if you are there alone.
• Do not leave your wallet or purse unattended. Your date may dig through them to find out information you do not want them to know.
• If you are traveling to the meeting, do not let them meet you at the airport or bus station. Use cabs or rental cars for going to and from the public meeting place. Do not stay with them or let them make arrangements for you. Do not let them know where you are staying.

Be aware that safe words, safe calls, contracts, negotiations or gut instincts will NOT fully protect you from a real criminal. Take your time and be sure what you are getting into. Criminals have less patience for difficult targets.

Why do most men treat women like emotionless sex toys with no personalities? Are we really all the same to you and is one girl really never enough?

Devil likes breaking me so he asked what would and when i told him he did exactly that.. and as usual I grabbed for everything I thought it will make him less cruel towards me.. and He knows how much I suffer when i miss Him and how thirsty He makes me for Him so I’ll be a good girl when He shows up.. just wondering is He really that Evil, isn’t there just a bit of soul did we not grow it, when i beg with my breaths to have mercy on me.. when He knows that stuff we ordered are keeping coming and reminding me, Devil likes reminding and I loved it to, just for me it’s hell but not for Him.. wondering why would He leave me not knowing will i see Him again when He knows what it do to me.. and what it do to me that because of work i am going today at professors place and will be there for few days.. and how doesn’t mean anything that i lost my anal virginity for my Master if it doesn’t mean anything that i was a toy just a sex toy for professor and his two friends.. and doesn’t it mean anything that some new dirty thoughts are running up my head and where I think I could only do them with Devil.. sure I forget them in time but that’s not the point.. just wondering with what I earned such cruel emotionless treatment, and why would my Master want to damage things he liked about me, why changing something that pleases Him, why trying to take away trust that made us go into rabbit hole. Why leaving me in such risky situations. Why changing everything we built.. just a word would help me keep my same mentality like we used have.. it’s not about how much I’ll wait for Devil or was it the only strong connection where He had all and beyond.. it’s about just a bit of care for Your toy.. and she never demanded always begged or my Master actually doesn’t want big jumps and keeping them not damaging.. He knows I just needed Him to land me after such tense task, can’t I rely on my Lord?

ok guys, help me out here. my fiance is no longer talking to her best friend, they're done. i love my girl but lately her ex friend has been emailing me and trying to move in on me.
the problem is that im a man of extreme tastes (motherless duh) which my girlfriend accepts, but can't or won't satisfy. i understand, my tastes run from the pedo variety, all the way to the homicidal and immoral. the friend jill, knew a bit of it but as we been chatting (me and her got close over the years) i've learned that jill is very willing and even eager to join me in these immoral or frowned upon acts.
i've been nothing but an emotionless sociopath until i met my woman, but now this one has me thinking also...
what should i do? i would love to have a woman who i can be myself and share myself with, even in the extreme situations. but i love my girl,(we plan on marrying) eventhough i've never loved anyone before.

The "B4U-ACT" conference Aug. 17 hosted by psychiatric professionals discussed eliminating the stigma against pedosexuals, and proposes that the American Psychiatric Association (APA) redefine pedophilia as a normal sexual orientation of "Minor-Attracted Persons."

In 1973, our "post Kinsey era," a small APA committee of psychiatrists, quite terrified by homosexual public harassment, quoted Kinsey's human sexuality study and other scientific data to redefine homosexuality as normal, removing it from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of mental disorders.

B4U-ACT goals are to "help mental health professionals learn more about attraction to minors and to consider the effects of stereotyping, stigma, and fear." This group of professionals also wants to teach pedosexuals "how to live life fully and stay within the law," insofar as the law is presently stated.

The psychiatrists discussed what "age of consent" should be proposed and what role pornography plays as a causative factor in actual child sex abuse. The prior was left as an open matter, and regarding the latter all participants agreed that scientific evidence showed no harm stemming from pornography as viewed by adults or minors in actual sex abuse cases.

Speakers discussed many examples of pedosexuals as healthy, normal and unfairly victimized by stigma and vitriol whipped up by the media and special interest groups. Examples were given of evidence regarding pedophiles that never forced children, and in some cases the evidence even pointed to them as being gentle and loving. At the same time, a researcher did cite "victims" who have been raped and that these perpetrators do indeed deserve punishment.

One young female speaker suggested that research has shown that pedosexuals might be helped by engaging in "sex play" using naked pictures of pseudo children. In some cases the therapy has been shown to be enhanced with props like bridal gowns, stockings, & etc. This Ph.D. social worker noted her objection, based on scientific evidence, to any repression toward the subjects.

B4U-ACT sees this conference as a way of fighting the stigmatization of attraction to children and the combination with, or confusion of pedophiles with "child molesters". Of course, "pedophile" has become cultural shorthand for "abuser" which, understandably, with the increasingly white hot emotionalism that has attached itself to this subject and increased exponentially over the last decade or two around it. Richard Kramer, director of B4U-AC, and other professionals state that such scientific wisdom is based on skewed data that looks only at offenders, and that many child molesters are not technically "pedophiles" (i.e., they offend because they are preditory and act out of opportunity, not sexual attachment).

There is a general consensus within the medical community that pedophilia is a sexual orientation and as such is unlikely to change, just as with homosexuality. Fred Berlin, director of the Sexual Behavior Consultation Unit at spam Hopkins, states that out of the pedosexuals that have acted, then afterward entered treatment, "...there are large numbers of people who experience these attractions and with proper help go on and don't continue to 'offend'. There is good evidence to show that that's the case."

Berlin says many psychiatrists & others are concerned that the term "has become a stigmatizing pejorative," a way of saying "that somebody is less than human." Pedosexuals are unlikely to get much sympathy from the general public for being stigmatized, but Berlin says it's in society's best interest to resist demonizing them. The idea is to try to get folks who want therapy to "come forward and get help..."

Few of us in the general public are capable of thinking about pedophiles, or hebephiles, in emotionless, scientific terms; but, luckily, we aren't the ones charged with treating them, or defining who "they" are.

OP here. When I was a kid, I went into 7-11 in Redmond, Wa. to buy a candy bar. Outside there were a dozen or so older ladies picketing the store because it sold Playboy and Penthouse. When I entered the store, I got a few snide remarks for crossing their "line". As I began to leave I was surrounded by these ladies and yelled at for patronizing the store. Without a word, I turned around, re-entered the store, walked to the counter and purchased Penthouse magazine. When the clerk asked if I wanted a bag, I said "no, thank you." If you think I caught hell before, you should have heard them when I left! When I was able to get a word in, I told them I purchased the magazine BECAUSE of them. If they hadn't bothered me I would've bought my candy bar and simply left. I explained, "you know what ladies? The barn door is open and the cow is gone. If this REALLY bothered you, why didn't you stop it when Playboy first came out 25 years ago? Where were you then? It's just too bad, but you're fighting a lost cause." You could have heard a pin drop when the realization finally fell upon them. And at only 16 or 17 I was amazed at my composure in this circumstance.

What's the point? Well my friends, it is this: Homosexuality, Sadomasicism, and other behaviors have been considered and listed by "authorities" as mental illness, as hebophilia and pedophilia are currently. Because of societal changes and increasing pressure, homosexuality and other activity has been declassified as such in many cultures. Once again, my friends, the barn door has been opened and the cow has left. Once social mores have changed & accepted a behavior, its only a matter of time, and dare I say a right, that other behaviors follow.

This is not to say there are no "illegal" homosexual activities. There are. Just as there are with hetrosexuality. And it does not mean that all hebophilia or pedosexuality would be "legal" either. It wouldn't be. But in a day in age where teens and even younger are educated about, and experiementing with sexuality, and in many cases know more about it then many adults, it's hard to believe that society won't evolve as it did with its views toward homosexuality, S&M, and other one time so-called aberrant behaviors.

I've posted this thread in a way that many people are seemingly unwilling, or likely unable to do when discussing this subject; in an unemotional fact-based way, with a view upon history and societal evolution. You may agree with much of this post or you may disagree, BUT be warned, if you post over emotional, out of control, and simply idiotic responses like, "KILL PEDOS!", or "I WANNA FUCK YOUR KID!", you will be considered by everyone else who reads and posts on this thread to be the intellectually inferior moron that you are, and simply laughed at.

(Mods: The posted picture is of a totally legal, over 18 actress by the name of Kristine DeBell, as posted for Playboy magazine. Please do not delete. Thank you.)