Ok here is my dilemma ....

I have a Twin brother who recently got married, However he has this trip to Las Vegas planned for like a weekend of Gambling with his mates, I'm not going and he doesn't wan't his wife to find out. So I will be taking his place at the office, she thinks he will be staying there for the weekend.

Dilemma is do I just go along with it? or do I risk going back to his and maube getting some from my Sister in law?

Help me out.

At the request of a friend I wrote this don't blame me if it's odd blame the person who requested it.
This story is for entertainment use this is a completely fictional story.

After my twins turned 18 I knew what would happen. From the age of seven I knew they wanted me. They wanted me badly my oldest already started to use me when he was 19. Now he's 21 and still in love with using his mother. He is my Dominant my wonderful baby is my Dominant and I love it. He hands everything as if his father would. His father left us after I had my last baby girl. He had a heart attack because he enjoyed watching everything so much.
That night my boys came back from work and I was lying on my special bed ready for them. It was a dog bed lying in the basement. I was already collared from my eldest his name is Sampson and my twins are named Dran and Sylvan. I find their cocks more important than their faces so. Sampson has the largest he is almost as thick as a horse and twelve inches. Dran was bigger than Sylvan Dran was the same thickness as Sampson but was only seven inches. Sylvan was average thickness and was seven inches as well. They loved their mommy very much.
They put my pet harness on and lead me to another room in the basement. This room was sound proof to make sure no one heard them doing things to their mother. Before anything started they brought in their sister that was only 18 she was curious and determined to be a fucktoy like her mom. They looked at her as Sampson walked over and explained in a soft tone “This lifestyle your mother is in is a very hard one and requires a high sex drive.” As Sampson talked Alexandra, their sister, just started to wet herself. But this wasn't pee this was her wetness dripping in her pants.
Sampson looked then roughly said to his younger brothers “Boys you can have mother tonight I'll have this little girl here.” He picked her up and she was completely ready and willing. He put her on the second bed and with a rough tone he said “Strip for me slut.” She was still shy but slowly stripped. Sampson like this he slowly got hard from watching his little sister be shy as soon as she took off her panties he seen her dripping wet young pussy still nice and tight ready to be opened. She spoke “Bubby I've been wanting you to do like you do mommy and cum in her please Bubby cum in my fertile little kitty.” Sampson's eyes opened wide and he couldn't handle it he ripped off his clothes and instead of being on two separate beds the boys decided to have us be fucked on the same bed. Sampson put his little sister on all fours as well as me and he gentle slide his cock into her little pussy he held himself trying not to go insane. Dran had put his cock in my mouth and Sylvan in my ass. They roughly went at it using me well. They didn't notice but I had another baby bump again this time it was from Dran. He was going to be a proud father again.
Sampson couldn't handle it anymore he just start to thrust harder and dig deeper making his sister scream she screamed “Fuck me Bubby fuck me hard. I love you Bubby I want your baby Bubby I want to be a little breeding pet. Please Bubby cum in me. Cum in me hard.”As Sampson fucked her put a gag on his sister to keep her from screaming too loud. Sampson prepared to thrust hard really hard he fucked her like he had never fucked anything before it felt so good to him he tortured her pussy like none other as she whined and whined. He found himself more and more excited. He was rougher than ever. Pounding like a freight train into his little sister and this point she was screaming he pulled her hair and did one more thrust. He blew his load in her hard throbbing deep inside her fertile young pussy.
He took the gag off and kept his cock in her like an animal would until he was soft. By that time he had already impregnated her. She lied on her back wide eyed from her big brother. She had gotten up slowly and walked away lying in her bed she thought. Wow I have big brother's baby inside me now. Yay I'm just like mommy now. I'm loving this thank you Bubby.

In the next few days Alexandra went through my pregnancy test like no other waiting for one to turn up positive and finally it did. She was so happy on that same day it was her birthday. She walked down to the basement not to do anything but to watch me be used. They were already inside the sound proof room using me. There was a viewing window so anyone could watch me be used.
That day she watched me be fucked hard. On the inside I was on top of Sampson taking all his cock inside of my pussy while the twins watched as I grind on him as he moaned to me “Whose my favorite slut? Whose the best mom in the world?” I replied humbly “I am. I'm your little slut I'm the best slut I'm the best pet ever.” Sampson wasn't into as much and stopped he knew his sister was watching and quickly let himself go in me. He walked out and saw his sister sitting there.
While they talked I was milking Dran's cock with my mouth while Sylvan's was in my cum filled pussy. Dran I sucked and deep throat hard while Sylvan fucked me deep he went harder and harder making me moan in pleasure. Sylvan smacked my tits to get me to be louder and with one smack milk leaked out. Both Dran and Sylvan stopped and latched on to my tits suckling like animals. They still loved mommy's milk. They both played with my pussy or ass while they drank.
A few months later as both Alexandra and I started to show. We both had twins so we looked months ahead of what we really were. Alexandra wanted to experiment with me while the boys were away so I took her to the room and let her tie me down. I gently said to her “Now sweetie get that wide crop over there” She grabbed it and looked at my pussy. She started to whip it slow. The most painful way to do it she watched her mommy wince and whine. She liked watching me jump as she whipped my pussy. She didn't stop even after it turned red. I had to stop her. “sweetie you can't keep doing that after it turns red it becomes to painful for mommy to handle” I explained to her. She was enjoying seeing me in pain so much. She noticed a diaper on the wall “Is this for you mommy?” I nodded I got up and put the diaper on “it's for me to pee in at the command at your brother's command but you must call your brother daddy now. He's your baby's daddy he is no longer Bubby.”
She looked at me and hit my back with the crop “Shut up slut. She dropped the diaper from me had me bend over and she grabbed the paddle she spanked my ass and spanked it hard with each hit she got harder until my ass was beet red. After that Sampson had walked in and took her away “Baby girl let me handle this momma's pussy is ready for daddy's cock.” He took off his pants and before he fucked me he had me on all fours my face on the floor and relieved himself on me. He peed and it drizzled all down my back to my hair and around to my udders. He loved to pee on me so much. Afterward he had me sit up and watched his pee drip from my hair down my body.
He then put me on the pee bed in the same position to smell my own pee from months of peeing in it. “It's time to get you dirty slut.” He roughly said to me. He started to fuck me softly with only part of his cock in my pussy. He couldn't stand this he thrust his cock all the way in and just went at it like a horse in a mare and a dog in a bitch. He was thrusting hard but fast in me. He dug deep really deep so deep I screamed. He was enjoying my pleasure but pained screams. He loved hearing them every time. He fucked and fucked and fucked cumming more and more my pussy almost filled to the brim with his cum until that day he decided to do something different. Something he has never done. Something no one but Sylvan has done he grabbed the best lube possible and an applicator. He put as much lube in my ass as possible and flipped onto his back. He grabbed my body and started to suck from my udder I knew what that meant. He wanted me to take his cock as thick as a horse and put it in my ass.
I slowly put his head in clenching my teeth. His head was the hardest part I kept trying but it was so hard to fit him in my hole. He then got tired of it put me on all fours and went and tried himself he gaped me open rubbing his cock in anal ease and tried himself. He slowly put his head in as I clenched my teeth. It hurt so much but I enjoyed it. Barely being in there I clenched my teeth as he had gotten the head in and everything else just followed with it. I felt myself jerk up and clench the bed. This was going to be the ride of my life. I heard him moan loudly he tried to control himself his pupils dilated he turned into a beast. I felt him grabbing tightly on to my hips his canines showing as I looked back I seen an evil glare in his eyes.

[To the reader: I haven't gotten further than this yet as I was no longer requested to continue this story if you'd like it to be continued give me some idea on what you would like]

Roommate/Best Friend's Girlfriend

Around 10 years ago, I had broken up with my GF and was looking for a place to live. My best friend Mike told me he could rent me the 2 back rooms in the house he was renting with his then GF, Rachel. I jumped at the chance for many reasons, plenty of space at a cheap price and I can live with two of the people I hung out with all the time anyway. So, I did it. We used to party every night, smoked herb, drank, sometimes X or Molly. It was fabulous!

One night, we were all on X and Mike's brother, John, had brought a few of his friends over. So, John and I are inhaling nitrous oxide and we're high as the sky. He takes a blast and asks, "Has Rachel sucked you off yet?". I was like, what?! He laughed, he was like, "Bro, she gives absolute BOMB head!" I said, how do you know? He laughed, "Her and her twin sisters used to suck my cock all the time. I'm the one who introduced her to my brother" I said, and he knows she sucked you off? He said, "No way! I shouldn't have said anything. This nitrous really loosens your tongue!" I laughed, but kept this piece of crucial information in the back of my mind.

A few weeks later, I was nodding in and out in front of the tv on the living room couch. Mike was in bed asleep and Rachel was at work. I started to think about her and touch myself. (I did this often, even before I moved in). Before I could really get going, I heard her pulling into the driveway. So, I laid back down and pretended I was sleeping... BUT I pushed my raging thick 7.5" italian boner out through the leg of my shorts. I was kind of terrified to be honest, but I figured I could always say, I was asleep, I had no idea! Her key hit the lock and the door swung open. I could tell she saw it because she inhaled sharply and stood in the doorway for about 30 seconds looking. I could hear her walking past me very slowly, so I didn't wake up. As she opened their bedroom door, she stopped and stared again for a few moments. Then softly closed the door. I waited about a half hour shut off the tv and went to bed.

Literally, a day or 2 later, Mike had left for work and Rachel was in the shower. Now, every time she took a shower, I came out of my rooms to the main house, because she often wrapped herself in a towel and walked from bathroom to bedroom and I loved catching a glance. Well, I was in the kitchen and this morning she walked out naked! When she rounded the corner and saw me, she stopped. She looked surprised, "I didn't know you were home!" I laughed, "Now you know". She gave me the eyes and went to her bedroom. She left the door open and called out, "Are you off today?" I popped my head through the door and told her no, but I was on Friday. She was walking around the room, totally nude, bending over to make sure I see her ass, cupping her breasts, looking in the mirror. She's was totally nonchalant. "Cool, I'm off too." And she gave me the sweetest smile ever.

Friday morning, I wake up to a sound like something scratching/rubbing my door. I rubbed my eyes, got up and opened the door. Before I even knew what was happening, Rachel gently pushed her way into the room and shut the door. "Good morning!" she smiled and her eyes sparkled. This was the first time she had been in my room. She pushed me back until I sat on the bed, then she pushed my legs apart until she was between my knees. I moved the window blinds to see if Mike's car was there. "Don't worry, he's gone" She smiled.

She put her warm hands on my lap and licked her lips. I said, "What are you doing?" She bit her lip and confessed, "I've always liked you, but the other night you were sleeping on the couch when I got home and... I saw your cock. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it." She looked down at my stiffening penis, giggled nervously and licked her lips.

Always bold, I said, "You mean this here?" and pulled it out. It was hard and pointing right at her face. She stared at it and stopped smiling. "Kiss it." I said, and she puckered her lips and kissed the head, then all around the head, her tongue started darting in and out, getting it harder and wet. Then she put the entire head in her mouth and did that tongue swirl. It felt so amazing. I could NOT believe this was happening, as I have always wanted to fuck Rachel and here she was actually worshipping my cock. I gently pulled it out of her mouth and slid it back and forth on her lips, every now and then she would stick her tongue out and tickle right under the head. She was lightly tracing her fingernails on my ballsack and it felt so good.

I pulled my cock back and tested her submissiveness again, "Lick my nuts", and she immediately obeyed, first kissing then licking them, while holding my cock. She looked right in my eyes this whole time, loving how I was getting off on this. I was so excited and knew I wouldn't be able to last too long.

"Now, suck it. Slowly." She responded by taking every inch down her throat. At first, it wouldn't fit, but she wiggled her head as she opened her throat and took it all in... and held it there, while playing with my balls. She held it until she needed breath, then took it all the way down her throat again, holding it there again. It was the deepest my cock had been down a woman's throat and she obviously loved it, so I started pumping softly to try and get it deeper. She moaned as I pumped her throat and her eyes glazed over. She truly was made to suck cock.

I started moaning and she stopped for a second. "Tell me when you're gonna cum", she said, throating me again. This went on for another few minutes and finally, I started groaning, "I'm gonna cum." I figured she wanted to know cause she didn't want to swallow, but she actually pulled it out of her throat and sucked HARD like from a straw while I came in her mouth. When I was done, she opened her mouth to show me how full it was of my cum and then gulped it down with an "Mmm". She milked my dick of every drop and licked it up.

She kissed my cock again and stood up. I thanked her and she said she had to run a few errands, but that she'd be back in an hour or two and would have more time to play. I played it cool, but when she shut the door, I looked in the mirror and mouthed, "YES!!!!"

Just got back from a week with my extended family. Cousins, Aunt's, Uncles, Parents siblings all of us. They're were about 30 of us. Most of the grandkids 12 of us are in our early 30's and 20's. My Aunt is fairly well to do and has a big house where all the parents stay. I have a cousin who lives in my Grandparents house and all the single cousins stayed there.7 of us, the youngest who are 17 yr old twins and they stayed at my aunts,4 boys 3 girls. We got back Christmas Eve and started drinking. Lot of funny stories and laughs and pranks on the ones that crashed first. That night my cousin Heather,who is adopted along with her two brothers the twins, and I were chatting. I'm 25 and she is 23. She was telling me about her new job and that she could transfer to several different cities if she wanted. We've always been close, our parents lived across the ST from each other most of our lives until her dad transferred about 4 hrs away right before her FR year of high school. The drunker we got the closer she got to me when she told me she had a secret. I asked her what and she leaned over and told me she's had a crush on me since she was 12. She kissed me on the cheek then patted my head like a little boy then she went to bed. She's not gorgeous she is attractive and in shape but she has something about her that makes you want to be with her. Anyways I immediately was turned on but figured it was drunk nonsense. I crashed on the couch. Everybody started waking up way to early but my Aunt was calling mad bc we where supposed to be having brunch and she knew we were all hammered. I got in the shower and was trying to wake up when Heather busted in. She had on a tank top no bra and yoga pants. She said sorry but it's not like we haven't seen each other naked before. I said it was almost 20 yrs ago and neither one of had any hair. She pulled her yoga pants out looked down and said somethings never change. Then yanked back the shower curtain and said well I guess they do in your case. Then closed it back and started putting on her make up and getting ready. Then was gone. She spent the rest of the day slapping me, patting me, hugging me, snuggling by me on the couch.I could tell she was flirting but I just couldn't imagine why. That day passed we all went back and crashed. I grabbed a bed that night bc the couch sucks. About the time I fell asleep Heather came in and asked if she could sleep on the floor like she did when were kids. We talked for a second and as we were drifting off she said Gnight, I love You. I said love you too which she responded NO I LOVE YOU. Then rolled over and went to sleep. I laid there suddenly wide awake not having a clue what's going. When I woke up the next morning she was already up fixing breakfast for everybody. We stayed pretty busy that day going to the mall, which we did every year, just to get in to all the craziness. She took every advantage to touch me that day holding my hand to pull me through a crowd or hitting me when I teased her. That night I grabbed the bed again. This time she asked if she could sleep with me but had her own blankets. We talked more that night she told me about breaking up with her fiancé because there was only one guy she could ever love. She asked about old friends then kissed me on the cheek and told me she loved me then rolled over and went to bed. Luckily I was super tired and fell asleep and didn't have to think about. Things went like this for the next couple of days. Touching, teasing, flirting and cryptic messages about love. New Years Eve we all went to a big party at this bar downtown. We were all getting pretty hammered and dancing. She stayed pretty close to me all night and told guys that asked her to dance I was her boyfriend. The drunker she got the closer she danced on me until she was grinding her ass in my crotch. I was pretty hard and turned on like crazy. The countdown started and the clock struck 12 and we kissed. We made out long after we should have stopped. When we finally came to our senses she looked me in the eyes and Said I've wanted to do that since the day we drove off when we moved. I looked around and made sure none of the family was around which I don't think they were. I grabbed her hand and texted my cousin we were grabbing a taxi and heading home. On the ride we made out and got grabby over the clothes. We got to the house and got in the bed and made out some more until all her alcohol decided it needed somewhere else to go. She at least made it to the bathroom before covering the tile floor with various types of shots and mixed drinks and maybe some pizza. She threw up for a while and I cleaned up the bathroom and put her in the shower with her t shirt and panties on. I brought her a towel and a t shirt of mine and got her into bed where she immediately fell asleep. I laid on the floor and passed out pretty quick. The next morning I woke up and she was still asleep. I watched her sleep and realized how beautiful she really was and how much I laughed over the last week. Most of the cousins left yesterday flying or driving to different parts of the country. We were left alone as my cousin who lived there had some stuff to do. We chatted and you could tell things were tense and she was scared of what I thought now that I was sober. I finally said I guess we are kissing cousins now and her face went bright red. She jumped up and ran to the bathroom and locked the door and I could tell she was crying. She told me to leave her alone. So I did. She came out about an hour later and said she was going to take a nap and locked the bedroom door. She slept for 3 hours and finally woke up at 6. My cousin texted that he wasn't coming home but was going to stay at his GF's house. So I told her it was just us. We got dressed and went to a restaurant to eat. We barely talked and when we did it was about nothing. On the way home she finally spoke up and told me she was in love with me and wanted to be with me. She told me her job had an opening back in our hometown and that she was thinking about moving back. That her parents where transferring again and her brothers where going with them until they graduated. She didn't want to be alone and we had plenty of family around. I told her That was great but was a little freaked out with the whole in love with me stuff ,I knew who she was talking about but finally saying it out loud was a bit weird. We got home and watched a movie and started a fire and I wrapped up in a blanket. After about 30 mins Heather moved next to me and asked if she could share the blanket. I lifted it up and invited her next to me. She started snuggling me until we were making out again. After some kissing she was rubbing my cock on the outside of my basketball shorts. She pushed me back and slid her hands down my shorts and was stroking my cock under my shorts. I pulled off her shirt and started kissing her breasts and sucking her nipples. After a bit she took off my shirt and started kissing down my chest until she got to my shorts. She looked up like she was asking permission and I smiled and she pulled down my shorts and started kissing my cock. I've never been so hard in my life. When she finally took it her mouth I swear it grew another inch. She sucked and stroked and kissed my cock and balls for a bit.I pulled her up to me and kissed her and told her I wanted to taste her. She told me I couldn't bc she had started that morning but that she wanted me to come for her. So she went back and started sucking again going a little deeper this time. I was getting close and told her I was going to cum. She said cum in my mouth and I immediately shot a rope down her throat that made her gag. She swallowed every last drop then moved back up and kissed me we made out a little more but I was pretty much done after cumming. We went to bed and talked some more and kissed then went to bed spooning. This morning when we woke up we made out some more then took a shower together. She jerked me off in the shower and I played with her tits and rubbed her clit but she wouldn't let me do much more. We both packed and went to my aunts and ate breakfast. It was weird bc her parents where still there and I felt like a dirty child. We all chatted until I had to leave to drive the three hour back home. She walked me to the car and kissed me on the cheek and told me again she loved me and to call me when I get home so she knows I'm safe.

Well we just got off the phone and we are both freaking out. She told her mom a few weeks back that she was in love with me and that that's why she broke off her engagement. Her mom warned her that she would probably wind up heart broken bc even though we weren't blood relatives that I might think it was more than weird dating my "cousin". Our mom's are sisters and I honestly think my mom would love it if we got together bc she used to say what a cute couple we would make but I can't imagine my dad would be happy.

So now I'm torn. If this was some girl I just grew up with I could try it and if it didn't work it wouldn't matter bc I wouldn't see her for every holiday for the rest of my life. On the flip side she is awesome and I really want to fuck her but I could see it working out. Who knows? Any ideas?

I have a Confession…. A couple years ago my wife and I were at a family reunion and it was a blast. We saw family we had not seen in forever. 

We partied and was having a great time when I notice my wife going into the house with my brother. Her and I have an understanding and I was happy she was going to have fun. After about 15-20 minutes I decided to join them, not that rare as my brother and I teamed up a lot in high school and college.

When I get in the room my wife is on her knees sucking his cock. I instantly get hard. I get behind her and slowly slide my cock inside her. She felt amazingly tight. I went slow at first, enjoying the sloppy sounds of her blowing my brother and her pussy getting wetter by the second.

She says hold on, and jumps onto my brothers lap and begins to ride him. My brother smiles at me and spreads her ass for me to enter her ass. I do but this time I am not slow. She gasped and started to scream but I gagged her with my fingers. My brother and I pound her pussy and ass till we are about spent. Just before we are both ready I exit her ass and we double penetrate her pussy. We fucked her hard for about 2 minutes and both came deep inside of her. 

I get up and grab her hand to help her when I noticed it was not my wife at all. It was my sister. Her and my brother have been fucking for a while and she set the whole thing up. I didn’t know it was my sister because my wife and her could be twins the only notable difference Is their eyes.

My wife and I are swingers. We have a group of seven couples and a few single girls that get together the third saturday of every month. We rotate whose house use every time. The oldest person is a 58yo man whose wife is 48. The youngest is a 24 yo girl and her husband is 27. My wife and I are both 36yo. We have a brother and sister who come with their spouses and yes they have sex with each other.

Now here's the interesting part. My wife and I have OLD twin daughter's who know what we do. They have known for a few years because we are very open with them about sex and told them. They both want to join our partys. We told them to wait until they turn 18 then we will talk about it but they want to join now. Of course this out of the question both my wife and I will not allow it no matter what. They finally agreed to wait but they want their 18th birthday to be the first time they join the party. I asked my wife what if they want to do things with us and she says she has no problem with me having sex with them at our partys and that so would she if they want.

Now befor you ask we don't take pics or vids of the partys that is a rule our group has. So I can't prove anything to those doubters out there. And I don't care if Iam believed or not thats not why I told this story. I just thought some of you would like it. And yes Iam kind of looking forward to watching my daughters get fucked and maybe doing it my self.

local swimmingpool

Thomas and Sandra - are twins. It is a few minutes younger than me, so I can raise him still great. He does not like it when I see him "little brother" call. At that time, we were both just 15, it was a hot summer. Almost every day the weather turned to new temperature records.

On one of those hot days we had the idea to go into the pool. Sleep was a long time in these hot days, not to think anyway, so we went early in the morning because, pack a few things and then grabbed the wheel. By the pool, it was not far, only a few miles, and the way led through the woods, so it was not the sun comes.

After a few minutes we had already arrived at the pool, but had to find out that we were apparently not the only ones who came up with the great idea. It was quite crowded. So we put off our bikes and put us in the queue at the entrance. We paid the entrance and collected and let us give two keys for the lockers. "The changing rooms are probably indeed all occupied, ye shall have to share," said the lady at the cash register, and she was not wrong. All cabins were occupied.

"Well, little brother, then we need to find a really good," I grinned. "You shall not call me that!" Thomas snapped back and went in search of a more open cabin. "The here is still available ... You can move up first, I'll wait. "" Oh, come on, we're both in there place ... or you genierst you from me? "I pulled Thomas grinning into the cabin and locked the door from inside.

Now we stood both in the cabin, and we somehow embarrassed us both. We had as children so often seen naked. But as we got older, we developed both a certain shame, and so we had for several years no longer naked. Since I was the one, however, who had urged us to draw the same time, I wanted to not admit that I am still a little embarrassed.

"Well, what now?" I blurted out, grinning. Thomas hesitated. "Well, what do you mean ..." Now Thomas began to pull out. He was never quite sporty, except for a few occasional football matches with his friends, but was still slim and had a pretty athletic figure. I stood in the corner and stared at him, fascinated, as he pulled a piece of clothing after another. Until he only in his underwear in front of me. He hesitated, but then pulled it out with a jerk. Now he was standing naked in front of me.

And I must admit, I was quite impressed. I did not expect that he was so big. I stared in fascination at his showpiece, Thomas seemed to notice too. He grinned. "Well impressed, little sister?" "Oh," I waved him off with a casual wave of the hand. Thomas was still grinning. "And?", "What?" "Well, you just do not want to move on too?", "Achso ... yes, of course ... "

Now I began to pull me out. I also had a very slim but very shapely body. My breasts have always been bigger than the other girls in my class and my friends. The boys liked the course is usually quite good. So I pulled off my shirt, with my breasts jumped right out, because I had no bra on, because we always wanted to go swimming. Then came the pants and eventually I was only in her panties in front of Thomas, I finally kicked his foot sweeping the rest of the clothes.

Now we stood against us naked. We stared at each other, and apparently also liked what he saw Thomas, because his dick was directed to the same. Young, was great. I must admit that this has me quite excited. "Well, you seem to be quite impressed," I pointed to his rebellion. "Ohh ..." Thomas blushed and tried to hide his erection. I grinned and chuckled. "Oh ..." he replied easily angered, and began to put his clothes together.

"Should not you be embarrassed." I began. "... I like that, too, I see. "" Oh, really? "Now I had awakened interest in Thomas. "Yes." We stared at each other again. I felt each of his eyes on me as he wandered along my hips, feeling out my curves with eyes and was impressed by my bosom. Even my little shaved triangle that I had trimmed down to a small strip, was not spared from his interest. I liked that, and soon my nipples were really hard.

I was explorer and trust me now: "May I touch?", "What?" "Well, your ... Small ...? "Thomas mused. I was hoping not to have shocked him. "But only if I can even touch your boobs!" Without thinking long, I agreed. We got closer and I grabbed his tail. My fingers touched him and Thomas moaned softly shortly. I pulled my hand back quickly and looked at him. "All right, go ahead," he grinned at me. So I arrived at this time, he moaned a little louder. Now I felt his hands on my tits. I could not help but also a faint sigh escaped me, accompanied by a "Mhhhh". I could feel like beating Thomas was still growing.

Now researcher Thomas was, he began to massage my tits, what lies my nipples are even greater. Which he took between his fingers and began to twirl it gently and play with them. "Ahhh ... Just you wait, what you can, I can too! ". I began to massage his cock, what Thomas acknowledged with groans.

Now we had overcome all fear. Thomas began to suck on my nipples and I rubbed continues to jerk his now grown to its full size tail. Our game became more intense, we kissed even gave each other kisses and our wild lust grew.

Eventually I could stand it no longer. Thomas I whispered in his ear. "Little brother, I want you to fuck me". This time he did not protest against the so hated titling. He looked at me incredulously. "But, we are all brothers!" 'Have you seen ... But you can find me hot? Do not tell me you want me here now, not take away! "," Yes, but ... "I put a finger to his mouth.

I turned myself to put legs apart and prop myself against the wall. I stretched my ass against Thomas inviting. "Nothing But ..." I grinned at him cheekily over his shoulder. Thomas stared at me between the legs on my shiny wet pussy, just waiting that he finally by storm. "Well, what about ...?"

Now Thomas needed no further prompting more. He came up behind me and put his huge cock in to my pussy. He played with his penis and licked it with my Mösenschleim. Then he came to. Jerky he penetrated deep into me. I clenched first, due to the enormous size and the suddenness of his intrusion, but then I could indulge the desire quickly. A long sigh Thomas showed that he was successful.

But that was not all, Thomas tail was not quite there, so he moved on slowly. An incredibly cool feeling went through my body as he inched further purely pushed. My hunger grew, and then his cock completely inside. What a feeling!

Thomas leaned over and whispered in my ear: "You have not willed otherwise ... , Sis' ... Now you have to live with it! "He grabbed me by the hips and began ramming his cock now in rhythmic movements deep inside. Deep and hard he pushed me clean his huge cock. I groaned with each thrust of what Thomas was always more wild. Even now, he moaned louder. Thomas now attacked from behind at my tits and kneaded them as he violently took me further.

With each of his thrusts, I threw myself against him formally. Our moans geilt us on each other. Slowly, I felt that it would soon be with me so far, I would come soon.

Thomas also seemed to notice that he now began to push me slower but more intense. My lower body contracted and I felt the burgeoning orgasm.

Then I came. A huge orgasm flowed through my entire body. I dug further to the wall of the dressing room and tried not to let my moans are too loud. One wave after another flowed through me and my pussy while I Thomas continues intensively fucked.

Then there seemed to be too much for Thomas, the twitching of my pussy had apparently given him the rest. He came and sprayed his huge load into me. I felt his hot cum in my abdomen. Charge for charge he shot everything inside me. We both moaned out unsren joint orgasm.

We finally fell exhausted to the ground and leaned against the cabin wall. We had to recover first. After a while, began to Thomas: "You, Sandra, I got hosed in you, what we do when you ..." I put a finger to his mouth. "Make sure not not ..." and leaned against his shoulder.

After a while I said to him: "That we need to do it again, little brother." "Good but, little sister ... But do not call me ever, little brother! '"I grinned.

I confess i'm one step closer to making out with my sister

I made a post a few weeks ago about her starting to leave -only- panties and bras in her bathroom floor, which is the 'public bathroom' of the house. I've seen her wash her panties and regular clothes altogether, so I took it as a hint-hint. Nothing really happened, people kept asking about it, so I deleted the thread (sorry!)

She is about 5'6, slim/average build, about 120 lb and works out every couple of days. Small tits, decent ass, and shaven (i seen a video on her computer once, it was a 2 second flash). When we were a lot younger, as many bro/sis probably do, we were curious and did a couple of innocent things. We showed eachother our privates and were in awe. A few times, when our parents left for work and we stayed home, we would go into the closet, turn the lights off, and rub tongues together. Not kissing, but just sticking them out and rubbing them. One time she even asked me to jerk off for her and I did under the covers and showed her the precum on my finger. We would sleep in a "tent" we set up in my bed room. Our parents didn't like that.

Anyway, fast forward many years and now we live alone together away from our parents. She's still in college, and she moved in with me because she broke up with her fiance. Nothing has really happened this past year while living together, but I have hinted ambiguously. A couple times I would walk around with a boner (lame I know) and she looked down once. Once we were watching a movie on the couches, separately, and I pulled 1 side of my shorts down and I think she saw the tip of my cock. The TV was the only light.

She is attractive to me, but not OMG HOT, but I think that's how brothers usually view their sisters. She could definitely walk around in sexier clothes, but typically its a loose t-shirt, and Nike shorts (they're loose and a bit big). It'd be so hot if she wore booty shorts and a little tank top without a bra.. but of course i'm a guy :P

She looks like a twin of the girl in the photo. Similar build, breast/hip size, face, hair, etc.

Last week I hung out with my really hot neighbor, who will walk outside to get the mail in tight booty shorts and a sports bra. I told my sister and she's like "yeah she looks really fit". Anyway I told my sister that the girl is coming over to hang out (sister knew I wanted fuk), and my sister smiled and acted all jealous like "reallyyyyy...?". Nothing happened though, I sat on her lap, rubbed her hand, and even grabbed her waist gently, but she "has a BF" (who i've met).

Finally, this is the small text convo sis and I had last night. She is out of town for the weekend with her girlfriends, at some big football game. Read it for yourself..

Me: -my pet's name- likes your bed
Her: I know :)
Me: Balalala

Her: Lolz

Me: Lulllll
Me: Cummfurt

Her: Lollll. Are you hanging with your lady friend?

Me: No bby why

Her: Bby?
Me: Autotxt

Her: Oh I was just wondering ;)

Me: Im hrd
Me: wrong txt

Her: Lanta

Me: ?

Her: Ooh my lanta

Me: My b
Me: Lol
Me: You in -a town we used to live in-?

Her No i'm in -city- for the football game silly

Me: O ok bby lol jk be safe
Me: Gniteeeeee

Her: Night night L

I basically said "cummfurt" as in "comfort" but used cum.
I call her baby, and she winks
At the end she basically calls me "love"

I know she will be drunk tonight so I will text her something like "ove" to continue her "L", then "are you getting into trouble?" and go from there. When she comes back home I plan to say "hey cutie, how was it?" and start calling her names that i'd call my GF. I'd even be fine just kissing her and holding hands, but getting into a relationship with her COULD be bad news in terms of future family events, etc.

Life, the Universe & everything.

Quotes from Douglas Adams, one of the funniest guys that ever lived.

RIP 1952 - 2001.
So long, & thanks for all the books.

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.”

“Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be.”

“For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.”

“God puts an apple tree in the middle of the Garden of Eden and says, do what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting "Gotcha." It wouldn't have made any difference if they hadn't eaten it... because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end.”

“He shifted his weight from foot to foot, but it was equally uncomfortable on each.”

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”

“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.”

“I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.”

“If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working.”

“If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.”

“If somebody thinks they're a hedgehog, presumably you just give 'em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.”

"INFINITE: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that, in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real "wow, that's big" time. Infinity is so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.”

“Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?”

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.”

“It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too.”

“It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made p******** should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

“It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons.”

“Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.”

“Life is wasted on the living.”

“Many men of course became extremely rich, but this was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of because no one was really poor, at least no one worth speaking of.”

“Many words and expressions which only a matter of decades ago were considered so distastefully explicit that, were they merely to be breathed in public, the perpetrator would be shunned, barred from polite society, and in extreme cases shot through the lungs, are now thought to be very healthy and proper, and their use in everyday speech and writing is evidence of a well-adjusted, relaxed and totally unfucked-up personality.”

"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.”

“That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.”

“The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.”

“The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”

“The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phase, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question How can we eat? the second by the question Why do we eat? and the third by the question Where shall we have lunch?”

“The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks.”

“The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

“The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.”

“The mere thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.”

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.”

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

“This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.”

“Time is bunk.”

“Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister.”

“We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!”

“We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.”

“You live and learn. At any rate, you live.”

“A computer terminal is not some clunky old television with a typewriter in front of it. It is an interface where the mind and body can connect with the universe and move bits of it about.”

“It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As pretty as an airport" appear.”

“If on the other hand he went to pay his respects to The Door and it wasn't there...what then?

The answer, of course, was very simple. He had a whole board of circuits for dealing with exactly this problem, in fact this was the very heart of his function. He would continue to believe in it whatever the facts turned out to be, what else was the meaning of belief? The Door would still be there, even if the Door was not.”

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."

“Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ...”

“Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.”

“You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon

airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in

deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me

when I was young!

Why, what did she tell you?

I don't know, I didn't listen!”

“...was there a reason behind it? There would be no point in asking... he never appeared to have a reason for anything he did at all: he had turned unfathomably into an art form. He attacked everything in life with a mixture of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

“Anything that happens, happens.

Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.

Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.

It doesn’t necessarily do it in chronological order, though.”

“Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.”

“Who is this God person anyway?”

“On the way back, they sang a number of tuneful and reflective songs on the subjects of peace, justice, morality, culture, sport, family life, and the obliteration of all other life forms.”

“Well I think we've sorted all that out now. If you'd like to know, I can tell you that in your Universe you move freely in three dimensions that you call space. You move in a straight line in a fourth, which you call time, and stay rooted to one place in a fifth, which is the first fundamental of probability. After that it gets a bit complicated, and there's all sorts of stuff going on in dimensions 13 to 22 that you really wouldn't want to know about. All you really need to know for the moment is that the Universe is a lot more complicated then you might think.”

"`...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to them had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything.'

`But the plans were on display...'

`On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.'

`That's the display department.'

`With a torch.'

`Ah, well the lights had probably gone.'

`So had the stairs.'

`But look you found the notice didn't you?'

`Yes,' said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of The Leopard".'"

"`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.'

`Very deep,' said Arthur, `you should send that in to the "Reader's Digest". They've got a page for people like you.'"

"`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'"

"Pages one and two [of Zaphod's p********ial speech] had been salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of papier mache and it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck with it."

“this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of.”

"`You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasently like being drunk.'

`What's so unpleasent about being drunk?'

`You ask a glass of water.'"

"If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.'"

"There are of course many problems connected with life, of which some of the most popular are `Why are people born?' `Why do they die?' `Why do they spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?'"

"The fronting for the eighty-yard long marble-topped bar had been made by stitching together nearly twenty thousand Antarean Mosaic Lizard skins, despite the fact that the twenty thousand lizards concerned had needed them to keep their insides in."

"`We've got to find out what people want from fire, how they relate to it, what sort of image it has for them.'

The crowd were tense. They were expecting something wonderful from Ford.

`Stick it up your nose,' he said.

`Which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know,' insisted the girl, `Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally?'"

“What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.”

"Ford grabbed him by the lapels of his dressing gown and spoke to him as slowly and distinctly and patiently as if he were somebody from a telephone company accounts department."

“Arthur's consciousness approached his body as from a great distance, and reluctantly. It had had some bad times in there. Slowly, nervously, it entered and settled down into its accustomed position.”

"His eyes seemed to be popping out of his head. He wasn't certain if this was because they were trying to see more clearly, or if they simply wanted to leave at this point."

"There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind."

"`You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for insurance company directors?'

`Really?' said Arthur. `No I didn't. For what offence?'

Trillian frowned. `What do you mean, offence?'

`I see.'"

"`She hit me on the head with the rock again.'

`I think I can confirm that that was my daughter.'

`Sweet kid.'

`You have to get to know her,' said Arthur.

`She eases up does she?'

`No,' said Arthur, `but you get a better sense of when to duck.'"

"The beak was a major piece of armoury. It was a beak that would frighten any animal on earth, even one that was already dead and in a tin."

"`Could we perhaps take a snake bite detector with us to Komodo?'

`Course you can, course you can. Take as many as you like. Won't do you a blind bit of good because they're only for Australian snakes.'

`So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?'

He blinked at me as if I was stupid.

`Well what do you think you do?' he said. `You die of course. That's what deadly means.'"

"Mark turned and asked a passenger behind us if these planes ever crashed. Oh yes, he was told, but not to worry - there hadn't been a serious crash now in months."

"Virtually everything we were told in Indonesia turned out not to be true, sometimes almost immediately. The only exception to this was when we were told that something would happen immediately, in which case it turned out not to be true over an extended period of time."

"Komodo dragons sleep headfirst in large burrows. It is a very, very, very bad idea to even think of pulling its tail."

“Plenty of people did not care for him much, but then there is a huge difference between disliking somebody -- maybe even disliking them a lot -- and actually shooting them, strangling them, dragging them through the fields and setting their house on fire. It was a difference which kept the vast majority of the population alive from day to day.”

“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own laws.”

“The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place.”

“The big corporations are suddenly taking notice of the web, and their reactions have been slow. Even the computer industry failed to see the importance of the Internet, but that's not saying much. Let's face it, the computer industry failed to see that the century would end.”

“One of the problems of taking things apart and seeing how they work - supposing you're trying to find out how a cat works--you take that cat apart to see how it works, what you've got in your hands is a non-working cat. The cat wasn't a sort of clunky mechanism that was susceptible to our available tools of analysis.”

“For thousands more years the mighty ships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the first planet they came across - which happened to be the Earth - where due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog.”

“The technology involved in making anything invisible is so infinitely complex that nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand million, nine hundred and ninety- nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety- nine times out of a billion it is much simpler and more effective just to take the thing away and do without it.”

“Since this Galaxy began, vast civilisations have risen and fallen, risen and fallen, risen and fallen so often that it's quite tempting to think that life in the Galaxy must be (a) something akin to seasick - space-sick, time sick, history sick or some such thing, and (b) stupid.”

“It wasn't his job to worry about that, though. It was his job to do his job, which was to do his job. If that led to a certain narrowness of vision and circularity of thought then it wasn't his job to worry about such things.”

“All you really need to know for the moment is that the universe is a lot more complicated than you might think, even if you start from a position of thinking it's pretty damn complicated in the first place.”

“Computer, if you don't open that exit hatch this moment I shall zap straight off to your major data banks and reprogram you with a very large axe.”

“I think all cats are wild cats. They just act tame if they think they'll get a saucer of milk out of it.”

“Look, would it save a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

“Now, either you all give yourselves up now and let us beat you up a bit, though not very much of course because we are firmly opposed to needless violence, or we blow up this entire planet and possibly one or two we noticed on our way out here!”

“Rome wasn't burned in a day.”

“The great thing about being the only species that makes a distinction between right and wrong is that we can make up the rules for ourselves as we go along.”

“The most misleading assumptions are the ones you don't even know you're making.”

“There is probably buried in the Western psyche a deep taboo about eating anything you've been introduced to socially.”

“Totally mad. Utter nonsense. But we'll do it because it's brilliant nonsense.”

“We are not an endangered species ourselves yet, but this is not for lack of trying.”

“Don't you understand that we need to be childish in order to understand? Only a child sees things with perfect clarity, because it hasn't developed all those filters, which prevent us from seeing things that we don't expect to see.”

“If you really want to understand something, the best way is to try and explain it to someone else. That forces you to sort it out in your own mind. And the more slow and dim-witted your pupil, the more you have to break things down into more and more simple ideas. And that's really the essence of programming. By the time you've sorted out a complicated idea into little steps that even a stupid machine can deal with, you've certainly learned something about it yourself. The teacher usually learns more than the pupil does.”

"Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in..."

"...he was at least twice as unbalanced now, and quite liable to fall off whatever it is that well-balanced people are supposed to be balancing on."

"In his dreams he was walking late at night along the East Side, beside the river which had become so extravagantly polluted that new life forms were now emerging from it spontaneously, demanding welfare and voting rights"

"Busy executives often didn’t have time for a full-time wife and family and would just rent them for weekends."

"It was impossible for Arthur to know this, but he just went ahead and knew it anyway."

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."

So a few years ago I had a TV cliche happen to me. My father got remarried to a younger women with three kids. I ended up moving back to my home town for work a few months later and was excited to meet my new family for the first time. The first time went to father's house, the kids were spending the weekend with their father, and I just want to say that my stepmother is fucking fine. The following Sunday I go over for dinner and to meet the kids. Two of them answered the door, a twin boy and girl. The oldest daughter was out and would be back for dinner. So were all in the living room, when in walks the my new step sister. I actually choked on my soda, I had hooked up with her the night before at a party. She's just as good looking as her mom, and she's a nice and legal 18. Other then almost dying we managed to get act like we had never met.
We ended up dating in secret for almost a full year, the idea of fucking her step brother really turned her on.

A dog Named 'Sex'

When people buy a dog, they usually name him something like Rover or Bowser. Well I chose to name my dog "Sex". But lately Sex has been a little embarrassing to me.

I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him. I went up to the clerk and said "I would like to have a license for Sex". He said he would like to have one too. I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old". He said I must have been quite a kid.

Last year they were auditioning dogs for a commercial on dog food. I took Sex to the studio to see if he would get the part. But suddenly Sex started to run off around the studio. I went after him, but the crew manager grabbed my arm and asked what I was doing here. I told him I was hoping to have Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.

One day Sex ran out on me in the middle of the night. I went around the neighborhood looking for him. A cop came and asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up this Friday...

================

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved then. but he always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to them. Then, one day, he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she is a sweet and gentle girl and will never go for this kind of carrying on. So, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans. The were married thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odour of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any effects before reaching home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, he put-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably sure that he had putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed: Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner

tonight. She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. Then she went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him.

Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear on the phone, he went on like this for 10 minutes, until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contently to himself was the perfect picture on innocence. When his wife returned she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At that point, she removed the blindfold

and revealed his surprise.

Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party for him.

====================================

Gold dig

In a mining district, Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the newspaper office and told them that he had found a 12 pound gold nugget, as pure as any in America. Naturally, the newspaper sent a reporter to the house to get the story, as anyone would do, and everyone was prospecting for gold in the little town. This is what happened.

Reporter: "Does Mr. Brown live here?
She: "He does."
He: "Is he in?"
She: "No."
He: "I understand that he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds."
She: (Seeing the joke) "Yes, he found one."
He: "Can you show me the spot where he found it?"
She: "I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private."
He: "Is the hole very far from here?"
She: "No, it is quite near."
He: "Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?"
She: "No, only about ten months."
He: "Has he reached the bottom yet?"
She: "No, but he is very near."
He: "Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?"
She: "Well, he thinks he was."
He: "Has he been working the claim regularly since he found it?"
She: "No, but I told him last night it was time to start again."
He: "I suppose he works it secretly?"
She: "Yes, mostly every night."
He: "Do you help him?"
She: "I do my best."
He: "Do you think he will sell the claim?"
She: "I doubt it, he gets so much pleasure out of working it."
He: "Did he blast it out with nitroglycerine?"
She: "No, he used Vaseline and kept digging."
He: "Has he widened the hole any?"
She: "Yes, a little."
He: "How big is the hole?"
She: "Well, about normal size, I suppose."
He: "Is he going to improve the mine any?"
She: "Yes, he said he was going to white wash the shaft tonight."
He: "Does he work alone at night?"
She: "No, I hold it for him and we split 50/50."
He: "Is he an expert at it?"
She: "Well, he does good work."
He: "Would you mind showing me the gold nugget?"
She: "Certainly." (Then she brought out the 12 pound baby boy and they carried the reporter to the hospital.)

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How to Kill a South Dakota Eel

Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time."

"Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

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Barbara Walters at the Indian Reservation

Barbara Walters is doing an editorial on Indian life on the

reservation. She looks around and sees that some of the men have one

feather, some have two and the chief has feathers all the way down to

the ground.

So she asks a young brave, "What do the feathers mean, some of you have

one, some have two and the chief must have hundreds!" The young brave

replies, "Each feather is for each squaw we have sex with!"

To which Barbara Walters replies, "Come on, I don't believe that!" She then goes to the chief and repeats the question, "What do the feathers mean, some of you have one, some have two and the you must have hundreds!"

The chief replies, "It's true, each feather is for each squaw we have sex with!" Astonished, Barbara exclaims again, "But you have hundreds!" The chief replies, "Me chief, me fuck em all, big, fat, skinny, tall, me chief me fuck em all!"

Barbara exclaims, "You should be hung!" The chief replies, "Me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake!" "Oh dear!", exclaims Barbara. To which the chief replies, "No fuck deer, asshole too high, run to fast!"

Hope you enjoy this one, it's much better told verbally.

================

Law as it should be

One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they

observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men

turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with this woman." To their

surprise the young lady overheard the remark and turning around she said, "I'll take you up on

that." She had a pleasant voice and a neat appearance, so, after bidding his companion good

night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to her

apartment where they immediately went to bed.

The following morning the man presented her with $25.00. As he prepared to leave she demanded the

rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the money I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying

"I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as

defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His

lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be

interesting to see how her case will be presented."

In court after the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your

Honour, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded

by a profuse growth of shrubbery, property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specific

length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it

extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid

only $25.00 which is only half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is

restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment

of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the opponent had presented the case.

His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it.

"Your Honour, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent

such property for a time and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my

client found a well on the property, around which he placed his stones, sunk a shaft and erected

a pump, all labour being performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property

adequately compensated for rental of said property. We therefore, ask judgement be not granted."

The young lady's lawyer come back was this: "Your Honour: My client agrees that the defendant did

find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described.

However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property,

also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and

took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but

left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to

little children. We therefore, ask that judgement be granted."

The judge's decision was that the defendant should either pay the plaintiff the $25.00 balance,

or, failing that, that the defendant should detach the aforementioned equipment and present it to

plaintiff for damages.

The man hurriedly wrote out a check for $25.00 to the young lady.

Case dismissed.

=============

The Old Boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated
boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his
boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He
spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of
the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died
suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for
John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel
terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no!
Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had
a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like
crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and
she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.